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You hair flows past past shoulders
And your dress swings around your legs
Thoughts of me twisting and moaning, feeling and groaning
The hairs on my neck stand on end
As I see those legs, my eyes tracing your outline
Your silhouette draws me in and I can’t help but touch
Run my fingers over hills and mountains making hot air rise from unseen places
The thought of placing kisses in my imagination coz it’s not possible to do so
I wanna pull u in close and take in ur scent
But I can only be physical
I can only show my emotions through my hands…my fingers
My want for you flows through them and they take control
Finding your lips and running across them and I can’t help thinking what it’s like to kiss them
Falling over your curves they admire the changes before the fall in to your wetness
Gliding over your abyss
You know what I want and you know how to give it to me
Playing with precision
Moving with my every motion
You make my knees crumble
The waves pass over me
And I can’t help but release
My eyes tight
I open them to see you
I didn’t know I was smiling!

A Solution

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How can something so right feel so wrong?
How can I run to help if it’s help I’m running from?
This is what I want and I feel so guilty…
Am I breaking up my family for something selfish?
Something so amazing makes me feel so filthy.
Are these feelings that I haven’t thought through?
Like I’m letting go of the world tryna chase the moon?
I want my universe to grow and reap the seeds that I sow,
I want to spread my love and grow my love….
But with doing that, will I lose my love?
So many questions that I really can’t answer,
Is it a new chapter that I will enter?
My feelings are conflicted and I’m falling into nonentity,
Losing my self flying into empty.
A staple of my future is now in question,
Undecided as I stand at this junction.
Which ever road I chose I’ll be walking with out you,
But am I strong enough to do it with out you?
I can’t pin my future on something WE are uncertain of.
Answers fail me as I said before,
The answers less and the questions more.
Is it time for me to plan with out her?
Leave her here and move forward.
Who will I be hurting? It’s not just me now
I am questioning myself on something so certain,
My heart’s set, my brain is telling me to pull the curtain.
What do I do, I need the solution,
A solution to the problem that shouldn’t be a problem…
People chiming in, adding there 2p’s
2p’s and chimes that I don’t need….
I don’t have a defence for this attack on my person.
My soul is dry and I’m lacking emotion.
A fight to big for my spirit
And there’s no one here to help me split it.
A fight so big that this will crack me
A fall so high that it will wreck me!
I’ve only just composed myself and made my plan
And again I crumble in your hands.
We’re too different to see eye to eye
Too very different pages we write.
The solution….there is none.
The solution…we are done.

My Battle

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I want to scream because I fear for my son,
I fear because of his gender he will be called upon.
He will be drafted in to colony’s that manipulate and are impenetrable.
I have tears in my eyes because I’m scared that my son, my only child, will walk down that path.
That I will have no power to make him see his worth, see how much I love him, I can only watch him walk down that path.
My heart is heavy with the possibilities of my son dying only because I have no faith in society.
How do I protect him from the world?
How do I stop him from getting hurt?
I can’t control the world but I can control my son!

Too Broken

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I don’t know if it’s my own paranoia,
Or the vibrations of the earth telling me 2 listen.
Fabrications has me caged,
The uncertain future has me enraged.
I’m on unstable terrain,
Like my foundations removed and my structure is feeling the strain.
I am unsure of my future…
My paths are covered with lies, insecurities and deceit.
Fogs of confusion weighed down by your lack of understanding,
I am lost in a sea of depression.
Where what is supposed to save me is drowning me slowly,
I’m trying….I’m trying….I’m trying!
I can’t cry because I would flood the world,
I feel my tears mean nothing and still go unheard.
I can’t straighten out my thoughts regarding you,
I used to know your plan for us but now I don’t have a clue.
I want to walk out this depressing sea,
And wipe away my lows.
I want to forget everything and be like we were before,
I feel like too water has washed parts of our bridge away…
Too broken.
Too broken to fix..?
Too broken to want to fix…

HerNameWasPoetry

Broken

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heart-broken
This is my last letter to you
Because right now im confused, baffled and unamused
My life will go back to how it was
Back to being alone and praying to god
Asking him why I am not worthy of happiness
Till that first kiss
Till I met you
Now I’m here contemplating death
Thoughts going through my head, I know im not the best
I wanted you with all my being, all of me
But now its only me left of what used to be we
The tears still pour, even though there hidden behind smiles
He twinkle has gone, replaced by darkness and lies
Im confused I ain’t gonna lie
I feel like shit and I want to die
My heart was yours because I gave it
That was my mistake wasn’t it?
Gave you too much trust and expected you to keep it safe
But your one and only announcement took my breath away
I mean to make you feel like shit because right now im numb
For the past four days I don’t know what going on around me
I don’t know what’s to come
I thought you were going to be here for me, remember?
I thought we were going to see next September
But now im looking at razor blades and pills of all sorts
Thinking should I do it or do I give up the sport?
Keep up the charade of being Pikachu
When I’ve lost the only thing keeping me happy, you
Look what you have reduced me to
And ill make sure your the last
Because there’s no way in hell im feeling like this again
Im leaving this in the past
You’ve made your decision and I hope your happy
Because this is my last letter, along with the tears
Im moving on babe, because you didn’t want me
Gave you what you wanted and it wasn’t enough
You just took and took and took and it was too much
I tried, I did and wanted to succeed
This is the last letter and all is spoken
I just wanted you to know you left me broken

(Another entry from 2009…I was going through a breakup lol)

HerNameWasPoetry

A Hurt Called Pain

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I can honestly say its happened, its the first
I’ve finally shook hands with hurt
‘hi, im natassia and who are you’ ‘I am a hurt called pain, how do you do?’ Laughing and crying im messed up inside
Is this the feeling I’ve brought upon other guys
I said I wont do this any more
I wont let myself fall
But for you and only you, ill give my life, ill give it all
But as you walk into the nights blanket
The words that you softly said I cant forget
‘your perfect, jus not perfect for me’
Words I used so many time…memories
I don’t think I’ve ever loved a person how much I’ve loved you.
You, me, this whole relationship its all new
Still the tears roll down my cheeks
Head pounding, nose sore, body weak
My mind is spinning, I cant speak
Well this is it, my dance with pain
He takes a bow and calls my name
As we take our steps, our turns and spins
Ill never forget that sinful grin
The rush is too fast, I cant hold on
I loose control, this is all wrong
By the end of the song and my dance with hurt
I can say I’ve lived my life in vain
As he turned to me, smiled and said
‘I am a hurt called pain’

HerNameWasPoetry

(Written in 2009…thought I’d share)

Last Chance Man

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I am a last chance man
I boost my ego over and over
Searching the night to see what’s on offer
A wife at home, asleep in bed
Ill push that to the back of my head
Ill get away with what I can
I am a last chance man
I cheat on my wife again and again
And I never realise im loosing more than I will gain
I want what I cant have
Its not that bad
I am a fool, a dickhead maybe a prick
But I got to live my life to the fullest
Ill get away with what I can
I am a last chance man

Expectations of levels cannot reach
But about how simple it is I will always preach
Ill think and comment on all the girls I can
But never thought to satisfy the one holding my hand
My snide comments and temper
There just an act
So I can go and be where I really want to be at
Ill get away with what I can
I am a last chance man

My wife has no clue of what I did…of what I do
My secret obsessions, my secret life
I don’t ever mean to cheat on my wife
WORDS! There just words….I think im not sure
Words that are forgotten once I walk through the door
Ill get away with what I can
I am a last chance man

A second life so far from the first
Its what I do to quench my thirst
A wife asleep at home in bed
Ill just push that to the back of my head
As I wake up next to my secret wife
I make my way back to my previous life
Of all the secrets, lies and expectations
You wont get away with what u can
This is your last chance man

HerNameWasPoerty

Left, Left, Left, Right, Left

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Left, left, left, right, left
The footsteps of the soldiers echo through the streets, the houses and shops, through empty shells.
A little girl looks through her window and knows she’s in hell
The dodging of bullets and taking cover from the bombs bring tears to her eyes
But she has to stay strong, she has to survive.
The young boy who was taken rather than drafted,
Fell in to a trap that his step farther crafted.
It’ll be good for you boy, grow some hair on you chest!’
His choices and actions put that young boy to the test.
He had to grow up fast, he had to learn to shoot a gun,
Responsibility of the highest for someone so young.
Forced to hide and ambush the enemies, throwing grenades and causing damage,
But what about the damage caused to the families, people, businesses…collateral damage?
Left, left, left, right, left
As the regime spreads like a contagion,
Infecting those few with imagination to rid the world of freedom and enslave the world as a nation
The mother who weeps over her sons dead body, found just laying in the street,
Her worst fear materialising before her eyes, screams of pain as her son laid lifeless at her knees.
Out of pain come anger and from anger, revenge
And those who are left are waiting for it to end.
The planes that fly over head are like the music of the sky,
The sounds of the machine guns and the crumbling stones vibrations of the houses are the children’s lullaby.
The little girl wont see the end of the war, nor will the young boys mother,
As the regime spreads there no more hope offer.
Now ladies and gentlemen there isn’t a war outside but we’re still losing children, cousins, brothers, friends,
When the young children are fighting the war of the ends
Standing and waiting for that war to begin.
So lets hold our hand up as a symbol of peace,
Wear out colours with pride and don’t worry about the repercussions,
Because right here right now, the fight for our freedom has begun.

The Givers and the Takers

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As I’ve mentioned before I’m about love and respecting a relationship.
Now im not gonna be one of those girls who says there angels and alla that shit because I’m not…I’ve done my fair share of cheating and yes I have been cheated on, who hasn’t? But I’ve learnt from those lessons and every single time I got hurt I archived that feeling. I kept it and remembered how I felt in that moment, I could have found out you have been cheating or disrespectful towards our relationship. That’s why I cant forgive and forget…I will tolerate you and that’s it.
There are two types of people in a relationship, there the giver and the taker. In some instances any mixture of the two will work but in the real world a relationship is based on one giver and one taker.
The giver will seek out a relationship with the hopes that the receiving person will reciprocate there feeling’s. This very rarely happens. They find them selves pouring out their essence to please the taker…who is essencaily taking their essence. They will give anything to see their partner smile, you know the saying ‘when you say jump, if say how high’ for me that is true…I don’t mean it that you take the piss out of my life. It means I will lay my life down for you because the level of love I have for you. For me the way I see things is I expect my partner/ my wife will do everything that I will unquestionably do for them. If your my woman I will respect you and I wont let you feel any way regarding a person, I mean there are people who don’t respect women period and there’s nothing you can do about them, ignore, cuss, stab…you choose, but what we as woman refuse to realise is that we cant change everyone and we have this unrealistic view that we can….ladies we cant! Frustrating as it may be we cant.
Anyways back to the takers….their funny creatures those takers! 1st nothing is their fault. There is always a reason for their actions ‘I did it because of this…because you made me feel like this… im hurt that you dont understand what im going through’ the word sorry doesn’t compute with them…they don’t feel the need to say sorry and that’s the thing that angers me, they would never accept responsibility… annoying but true. They live in a bubble that they believe they are justified to do these things and even some of them know they are hurting you and don’t care because they feel justified. Its this thinking that differentiates the takers from the givers, givers hurt when they see your tears and don’t want to see you like that again….to a taker that’s collateral damage.
I guess somewhere in the middle there are the few who are slightly off the tangent and are completely different to the takers and givers for me personally I haven’t found a giver, im normally the giver.
I don’t know what it would be like with a giver maybe we will clash but who is goind to hate the flowers, chocolates and shoes?? Its not all about the presents but its nice to be spoilt sometimes. A relationship is give and take not all of one, my advice for the givers is to give faulsly or give small till you know the deal.
I’ve made that mistake so many times, I’ve given so many chances to so many people and they have taken it for a weakness and even though I have been hurt I didn’t let it change the way I treat my wife. I didn’t let it damage way I thought about love or the way I handled my self because I will be so bitter, I admit that again I am not perfect, i am only human. I hold my hands up to being a prick to my wife in the beginning and i’m still soo sorry for that.
Everything I have gone through drama after drama with different girls over the past 8 years of being out, I cant forget the disrespect. No person should be disrespected under any circumstance. The minute you disrespect someone they are showing that they have no value for you. They have no reason to hold you on the same level as you hold them.
Regarding my experience….I have one thing to say
‘The wisest man in the room is the one who made the most mistakes.’  donno who said it i herd it on rev run lol but it fit in so well!

HerNamaeWasPoetry

Her Name Was Poetry!

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Her name was poetry
She gave meaning to my days and shortened my nights
When ever I had that feeling to stop she’d show me a reason to fight
She held the torch in the darkness
Honed my senses to the sharpest
She took me and taught me and when i fell she caught me
and when I was on the brink of giving up
She told me to shut the fuck up                                                                                         She gave me the tough love
Her name was poetry
When I watched my world crumble
like watching a movie on a big screen
She added surround sound and made it surreal
She changed it
Her name was poetry
She changed my worst days in the best of days
and made it so simple
She took the stones and the bricks of my hurt and pain
and built a wall to block out al the people
I can go on about how her beauty was endless and her voice was angelic
but its what she left inside of me
Even though you cannot see her, feel her, hear her she’s around us
She’s in you, she’s in me, she’s in the wind that blows you hair
She is poetry
She is the waves of goose bumps that flow over your skin
and in the sands of your mind they intertwine to make a master piece
She is poetry and she is strength
She taught me not to brake but bend
and in the end she is poetry
She is the one that flows through me he one that holds my hand as i put pen to paper
She is me
An interpretation, a way I can tell you about my feelings
with words that have no meaning
Its not English class there no need for comprehension
her name was poetry                                                                                                             A secrete I keep to only me….only me….only me
She is the hands that caresses me and makes me feel sexy….with her words
She’s been there since if was 15 I can remember the satisfaction when I finished my first letter
The way she made me feel, she had me hooked from the very first time
The way her words left my lips, like from a tap they dripped on to the paper
and made a beautiful picture
My words, her words, our words
Her name was poetry
She gets under my skin, she knows how to win
Her name was poetry

HerNameWasPoetry

Fields of Poison Flowers

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(Not actual poisonous flowers but you can imagine)

If you run through a field of poison flowers
In the poison  will seep,
If you tell me im not much of a challenge
More of a challenge I’ll be.
You see, if holding someone back is an unintentional act
Then you rethink your strategy.
To make people know that the seeds that they sow can help them be all they can be.
Now I can go on about the wrong that was done and how I feel disheartened by the fact,
Undone by the cheek, brazenness and utter disrespect.
So when I think about things, uno reflect on things and try to find a solution,
I find myself making excuses and tryna make uses for whateva is causing the problem.
I know there’s no need but that’s a part of me I have 2 feed!
To try and understand and find logic and sense,
And ponder the value of what’s happened since.
A simple fool reads but doesn’t comprehend,
A stupid fool reads and thinks its not for them.
It’s for a poor soul who they have no connection and if it’s them they have no recollection.
Everyone knows they ain’t perfect but act’s like they are,
The persona you put on before you walk out the door.
When you run through a field of poison flowers
In the poison will seep.
Fear comes with not understanding, and the power that they’re handed they can’t quite grasp,
And out of fear comes greed and power and the evil devour the spirits of the weak and those with kind hearts.
Sometime the field of poison flowers is the escape someone like me needed,
To practice no restraint, where I can believe what I tell myself and rely on only me.
If you run through a field of poison flowers
In the poison will seep!

HerNameWasPoetry